1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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