so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
