I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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