It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
