dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
