are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
