she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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