I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You need a sexual gate keeper
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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