Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
