The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
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Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
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You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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