i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
