The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I skipped work to stalk him.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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