You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
