then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
