He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
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we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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You should frame my arrest warrant.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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