I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
