My friends, they love my intelligence
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
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My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
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Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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