Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
