I was born with a shot glass in my hand
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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