She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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