my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
