How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We need to get me chipped asap
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
