she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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