Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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