she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
my poor anus
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
