it was like a zeppelin in a condom
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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