My hand turned me down
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
