I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
