Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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