So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
