I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
