Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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