I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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