you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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