You don't have asthma, your pregnant
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
