I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I want a musical about memes.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
