i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
