She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
