If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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