Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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