I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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