whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
