Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
