I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
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Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
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I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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