i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
