Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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