not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
