I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
