I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
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somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
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I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.