Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
