would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
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the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
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ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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