To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
