Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
