Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
