just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
