Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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